In the Celebrity Burning Question series, we contact as many celebrities or obscure parties as possible with one of life’s great questions. This edition: what do the birds and the bees really DO?
Ever since Jewel Akens sang “The Birds and the Bees” in the mid-1960s, we’ve all wondered what, exactly, the Birds and the Bees actually did. As the Bees and the Birds are quite clearly two different species, presumably with incompatible size and sexual behaviour, any intimate act would clearly be uncomfortable, if not impossible. No siree, this is a cover for something far more complex. We have vowed to solve this Burning Question the only way possible: by emailing assorted celebrities and entirely inappropriate parties.
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 Just a few of the experts we contacted:        |
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Ben: Ah, the ever-reliable Monkey Mayor returns for his delightful wisdom! Hmmm, he says that they DON’T do it with each other? Now I’m more confused than ever.
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Ben: I think that Klaus may have something with the bird/bee correlation between pollenating. Let’s put that aside for later. But a song about birds and bees? Surely you jest.
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Alastair: Strangely enough, neither of us remembered sending Andrey an email. We were still no closer to solving The Mystery of the Bird/Bee Relationships, and now we were confused in three different, conveniently-displayed timezones.
Ben: The more timezones, the merrier, I always say. Actually, I’ve never said that before, ever. But thanks anyway, ZoneTick! Oh, and Andrey.
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Ben: Toast, eh? Don’t birds eat toast? And can’t you put HONEY on Toast? HONEY made by BEES? This keyword ‘toast’, is obviously a subtle hint that Beep knows more than they’re letting on. Oh yes. I wouldn’t be surprised if Beep is somehow involved in a giant conspiracy involving bird-powered Xboxes that make toast. The birds eat honey which is made by the bees, and fuels the Xbox. The plot thickens.
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Ben: A flying band, eh? Perhaps they could collaborate and produce a special version of the Xbox Music Mixer for the bird-eating-honey powered Xbox that also produces toast. You see, if you sang really badly to the swing music, a piece of burnt toast (or perhaps a crumpet, if you’re really bad) would be fired at you and you’d be knocked over flat.
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Ben: Well, there’s nothing I can say to that except maybe “Would you like some toast?”
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Ben: All I got was an Embarrassed Silence. Which is odd, because I’m twenty-two. You think I could handle this sort of thing.
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Ben: Noam, eh? Sounds similar to loam. Loam is “Soil composed of a mixture of sand, clay, silt, and organic matter.” In soil, flowers grow. Flowers pollenate. Bees then take the pollen to make honey. The very same honey that is fed to the birds to power the toast-producing Xboxes.
Oh, I’m on to you, Noam Chomsky. You can’t fool me.
INTERMISSION
END INTERMISSION
We almost had given up any hope of a definitive answer. But as some optimistic guy once said, hope springs eternal. And so when we received this email from Gene Ray, the father of the Time Cube theory and our personal hero, hope was looking pretty damn springy indeed.
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Alastair: Of course – it’s all so obvious now! After weeks of searching for an answer, the solution was under our noses all along! The Mystery of the Bird/Bee Relationships was, well and truly, beyond any doubt whatsoever, solved. Thank you, Professor Ray!
Aussie Ben: And here I was, foolishly clinging to my Toast-producing Xboxes theory. What a simpleton I was. Thanks, Professor Gene Ray!
Thanks to all celebrities who participated. Except Peter Andre.
More Celebrity Burning Questions:
Why does the sun shine?
How do you get to Sesame Street?
What is The Grimace?
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