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“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame street?”
……………………-”Sesame Street” theme song. Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone & Bruce Hart
Ever since Sesame Street debuted in 1969, this question has haunted us relentlessly. This says a lot for our obsession, because we weren’t born until the 80s. For you see, while the universally beloved children’s show cheerfully asks the question, it never actually divulges the answer.
How do you get Sesame Street?
Today we’re going to find out the only way we know how: by asking every awesome celebrity who will care to listen. Meanwhile, Aussie Ben will try to combine them into a single coherent answer. A recipe for madness, or a salmon cake of bitter disappointment? You be the judge.
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Ben: Rikki has not only given us a great start by giving us a reference point, but also by gracing us with his email presence. Which is awesome.
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Ben: They make bridges from former presidents and acoustic vocal trios? That’s obscene! The magic carpet is probably the better alternative as this way I won’t feel guilty by walking over the corpse of a cherry tree-chopping president.
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Ben: Warwick’s kind assistant left us a total of 44 full stops in his reply. 43 full stops would be no cause for concern, but 44? That’s just eerie. There must be a deeper meaning here. There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. There is no forty-forth letter for the alphabet, obviously, but if we split the number, we get 4 and 4, or DD. Coincidentally, “DD” was an abbreviation for the popular beat-em-up, Double Dragon. Which took place amongst other places (and this, I think, will blow your mind)… on the STREET. Whoa.
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Ben: Those directions are far too complicated for me, so I think option B is the better solution, to be honest.
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Ben: What if I just practice with LSD instead and kill two rainbow-exploding dolphins with one conversable beach ball?
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Ben: The ever-awesome Info Cow has an excellent response, as usual. However, I can’t help but feel that there’s something more to the Sesame Street theme song that I’m missing. Hmm. Apparently there are subliminal messages if you play certain songs backwards, so just for a laugh, let’s see what we get from the Sesame Street Theme Song.
…
My God. This is mindblowing.
For the first fifteen seconds, we fade in, hearing children chanting:
“Eeeeek! “Sin!” says Sue’s neighbours, *WHACK*”
Between 0:16 and 0:18, we hear the words:
But the real revelation arrives between 0:19 and 0:24, where we hear:
“Feed me whales, there’s so many left”
This reveals the only possible conclusion that can be deduced from these obvious clues – The Japanese want you to feed them whales, subliminally suggesting that they are not in danger of extinction. “Sue’s Neighbours” obviously refers to a code name for Japan. “Sin!” they cry, revealing their heinous intentions right from the get-go. And what do they intend to do after they’ve speared their dying whales? That too, is quite obvious: WHACK.
At 0:16, the Japanese are gently persuading you with a subliminal message – the “Neighbours”, or Japanese are dying from their lack of whale meat, and want to eat. Of course this is nonsense – Japanese could clearly survive on Wasabi or something, but the whole point of a subliminal message is that it is a lie.
And finally, another subliminal lie – “Feed me whales, there’s so many left”. This one is a bit more difficult to swallow, but because of the carefully crafted previous message, you won’t think it’s so outrageous as they will have suggested that they are dying from their false lack of whale meat, evoking sympathy with the listener.
Info Cow, I think we’ve discovered something BIG here.
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Ben: Wendee finishes her reply with “^_^”. Or should that be…. “Short Long Short”? In Morse Code, Short Long Short is “R”. Which would clearly stand for “Revolutionist Government”. In Japan in the year 1858, the Meiji Revolution took place. What is Japan infamous for? WHALE MEAT.
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Ben: What, kind of like the “Is this is five…then what’s this?” puzzle in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge? Blast, I could never do that one without the cheat sheet.
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Ben: LSD is looking more and more like the most accurate way of getting to Sesame Street.
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Ben: Why, it’s Bert! Hope your bottlecap collection is coming along nicely. Yes, I asked Alastair to ask you about what you ate in the hopes that we could work out where you purchase it from, and where the store gets its deliveries from so that we could track down the location of Sesame Street by narrowing down the list of possible routes that the delivery trucks take when delivering their products to your local store.
So, you purchase Oatmeal, eh? I see. Well, you wouldn’t be purchasing Uncle Toby’s oats, because from what I understand, that’s not available in America (I’ve narrowed Sesame Street down to that general vicinity). So the only other alternative must be Quaker Oats, right? The Quaker Oats company is located in Chicago, Illanois. Now to link it back to our good friend Rosearik Rikki Simons and use Google Maps…and we get…
AH HAH! There it is:
Sesame Street, Franklin Park, Illanois.
No, wait a minute. You’re probably more of an Arrowhead Mills kind of person, aren’t you, Bert? Oh well, back to the drawing board. Let’s press on, shall we?
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Ben: To the casual reader, you’d think that Robbie is just telling us to practice. But no – there’s actually much more to it than that. “Prac” is also known as shorthand for “Practical Exam”. “Tice” can also be read “Tiss”, which is half of the word “Tissue”. The only plausible explanation is that Mr. Rist is suggesting that Sesame Street is between a the Science Block of a school and a Tissue Paper Manufacturer.
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Ben: In the Area 51 level of the Nintendo 64 game Perfect Dark, The Pixies are referred to over the loudspeakers! In particular, Dr. Lovering is asked to “phone autopsy”. In Japan, they autopsy whales… FOR WHALE MEAT.
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Ben: At first, it seems like an innocent enough answer. However, as you will see, Terry is revealing that there is more there for those who look. And I am looking as much as a wheezing nearsighted grandmother with a funny squint. That seems to imply that I have suddenly added sixty years to my life, as well as somehow managed to become a woman. So let me point out that I meant this all metaphorically. In that, while I haven’t actually become an old grandmother, I am looking very critically at the answer – as much as a grandmother who has to scrutinise everything carefully before she is satisfied for the answer.
She also has a funny squint.
Actually, nevermind the squint, as it’s not really relevant to the metaphor and instead only causes confusion.
In fact, ignore the whole grandmother thing altogether. How about: I am looking as carefully as a prostitute does for her next client.
There. Gets the point across much better, I think.
Wait, what was this all referring to? Damn. Now I’ve forgotten.
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Ben: I went to Alaska to search, but as the attatched map didn’t load, I got lost and ended up here:
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This is especially strange as Wodonga is near the border of Victoria and New South Wales in Australia. Um.
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Ben: Let us take a five minute recess while we observe the beauty of a haiku from our very own Glancy:
“Sesame Street” is
Just too many syllables
For a good haiku
It is also available in spoken word form. In true art nouveaux style, it is missing a syllable. This was certainly not a mistake.
Let’s press on:
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Ben: On the Amiga videogame system, there was a title called ‘Brian the Lion’, where you controlled a lion whose name was Brian. Brian needed to rescue his friend Chris the Crystal (I’m not making this up, honest) from the evil Geeza the Dragon. If you had two copies of Brian the Lion, there would be two lions. There would also be two dragons. Essentially, you’d get a Double Dragon.
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It’s all falling into place.
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Ben: DID YOU KNOW?
36.36% of Kenny’s reply was reused from his previous answer for The Mystery of The Grimace?
…Well, it is!
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Ben: One of Mr. Allston’s characters is called Garik “Face” Loran. And who just happens to have a face? THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN. And what does he eat with his face? I think you’ll all agree with me when I say… WHALE MEAT.
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Ben: Okay, I know this might be a bit far-fetched, but stay with me here: Sesame Street is one massive parallel world, not unlike Subcon from Super Mario Bros. 2, only there aren’t gigantic screaming masks trying to kill you when you open doors and giant red snakes don’t pop out of jars to vomit bullets at you. Because the world of Sesame Street is almost identical to our own, we have a subliminal connection to it.
…No, wait, that can’t be right. If that’s the case, then how is it even possible to get to Sesame Street? Technically, we’d already be there.
The Solution
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What we have here are varying, inconsistent locations of where Sesame Street is. Are these people all filthy liars? No. Are they just plain wrong? No. In fact, they are ALL correct. What I’ve managed to deduce is that for you to make your way to Hooper’s Store and the location where felt fruits sing about nutrition, you must enter a warp in the very fabric of space/time.
Coincidentally, each warp is located in every Sesame Street around the world. And also whenever you see the words ‘Sesame Street’ on television. And magic carpets, they’re warps too. Totally. (Didn’t you ever play Super Mario Bros. 2? Oh wait, that was the jars and the giant bird heads that swallowed you. But it had a magic carpet in it, and that’s practically the exact same thing.)
So how do the Japanese fit in? It’s quite simple. They’ve known about Sesame Street for years. But the Government is trying to keep a lid on it. Seriously, how much mass hysteria do you think there would be if people knew that the Japanese could just pop in and out of our reality to swipe whales by plonking a television on an abandoned oil rig in the middle of the ocean and keeping it tuned to the Children’s Television Workshop?
And so solved The Mystery of the Latitude and/or Longditude of Sesame Street.
Conspiracy cracking and celebrity spamming by Ben K and Alastair Craig.
Awesome closing artwork by Andy Webb.
Thanks to all who took the time to contribute!
More Celebrity Burning Questions:
Why does the sun shine?
What do the birds and the bees do?
What is The Grimace?